Wake up early. Eat all the hotdogs and drink all the bland coffee you can because it will be a long day. Ride the van at 9am. Make sure the driver is also a good guide, a historian... and makes remarks that are politically outta this world like calling dark people NIGGERS.
THE HOHOL sa BOHOL BUCKET LIST
STOP #1 = The Chocolate Hills
Going to Bohol and not doing this is like visiting China and not walking the Great Wall... or flying to Boracay and not seeing D' Mall D' Boracay.
STOP #2 = The Butta Fly Pharm
Highlights [1] Awesome home-made ice cream. Can kick Selecta ass... [2] You get to learn about butterflies, which is good because we all know about the birds and the bees... [3] You get to meet probably the best, funniest guide in Bohol... si Marlon. A sample Marlonism [taken word for word from Loopy's blog]:
Highlights [1] Awesome home-made ice cream. Can kick Selecta ass... [2] You get to learn about butterflies, which is good because we all know about the birds and the bees... [3] You get to meet probably the best, funniest guide in Bohol... si Marlon. A sample Marlonism [taken word for word from Loopy's blog]:
Marlon: Hindi nakakabulag ang butterfly ma'm. Alam niyo ho kung anong nakakabukag?"
Pliny: "Ano?"
Marlon the Guide: "Pag-ibig."
Hands down the best tourist spot of the day [and we almost skipped this spot]!!!
STOP #3 = The Man Made Forest
Why is it man-made? Because in the 50s, then President Carlos P. Garcia ordered a thousand or more trees planted in that place [I was listening to the guide, I pass the quiz]. The result, a forest so thick you sort of wait in anticipation for Big Foot/Sasquatch to come out. I was disappointed not to see a poster about the great poem which begins with the famous line "I think I shall never see... a poem as lovely as a tree..."
Another tourist attraction is a wall with eloquent graffiti.
STOP #4 = The Heng Bridge
Nothing great. You just walk a rickety bridge aping Indy Jones, hope that something tragic doesn't happen, get to the other side to buy touristy stuff and go back using the other bridge while still hoping that a perfectly good day will not turn bad.
Nothing great. You just walk a rickety bridge aping Indy Jones, hope that something tragic doesn't happen, get to the other side to buy touristy stuff and go back using the other bridge while still hoping that a perfectly good day will not turn bad.
STOP #5 = The Loboc River Cruise
The good: BUFFET! Food was actually good. The bad: I was disappointed at the fact that there were no "barrio lasses in white kamison" washing clothes along the banks of the river.
COMMERCIAL MUNA:
WHILE INSIDE THE VAN you will see lots of old churches along the way but no one will care so you're left with the option of shooting it while your van passes by.
WHILE INSIDE THE VAN you will see lots of old churches along the way but no one will care so you're left with the option of shooting it while your van passes by.
STOP #6 = The Tarsier Crib
These animals are nocturnal creatures so you actually catch them asleep. I wonder if they take valiums. And what do they do at night when all the tourists are asleep? Do they party? Watch DVDs of Game of Thrones? Or maybe they just secretly go to tourists' resort rooms and spy on them as a way of revenge.
In this place, there are other creatures to look at too...
STOP #7 = The "real" Blood Compact site
A bit of history here... let's see if I got it right... There was another site believed to be the site of the "Blood Compact" between friendly ancient Pinoys and white boys with ulterior motives of domination. Let's call them SPANIARDS. Anyway, in a gesture of friendship, the Pinoys and the Spanish peeps drank each other's blood from a cup mixed with Pinoy wine. It was vampiric, but it was tradition.
In actuality, the Pinoys gave their blood only to be eventually be enslaved 300 years of the white man. And what do we get in return? Siesta, the manana habit, and lots of tisoys and tisays.
Why is this the "real" site? According to Tatskie, our tour guide, they discovered a docu that described in detail where the site was... somewhere between two rivers, etc [I suddenly don't remember]. Upon verification, it turned out to be real and the National Historical Institute validated it. Only because of politics, the mayor did not support it.
STOP #8 = Who's the real star - Prony the Snake or Marimar the gay impersonator slash snake caretaker?
Boring!
This is what you do with snake skin when snakes shed! Victoria's secret can kiss this ass.
This is Marimar. He's [un]fluent in many languages, including German. He/she can speak it, and according to my German friend, he sort of understood what Marimar said. Anyway, doesn't he look like Michael V in drag?
Marimar put on a show for us. As in she danced and did a drag impersonator show. My friend enjoyed it so much, he almost ordered beer.
STOP #9 = Baclayon Church
Unsubcultured has seen the light!
I am now Bohol cultured [just slightly]
STOP #10 = The Hinagdanan Cave
It's wet, dark and full of tourists. So what? You can scratch this off if you want to.
[At this point I was fantasizing about the Jack Daniels Ther and Niki brought along for the trip]
STOP #11 = The Bee Farm
...without Bees. It was just a place designed to make your wallet a bit thinner. I succumbed to the tourist trap pressure by buying more ice cream.
STOP #12
[T.Y. Loopy and DJ]
STOP #8 = Who's the real star - Prony the Snake or Marimar the gay impersonator slash snake caretaker?
Boring!
This is what you do with snake skin when snakes shed! Victoria's secret can kiss this ass.
This is Marimar. He's [un]fluent in many languages, including German. He/she can speak it, and according to my German friend, he sort of understood what Marimar said. Anyway, doesn't he look like Michael V in drag?
Marimar put on a show for us. As in she danced and did a drag impersonator show. My friend enjoyed it so much, he almost ordered beer.
STOP #9 = Baclayon Church
- By some sort of miracle, we all finally agreed to at least stop by one church. What the hell [pardon my unholy pun] right... I mean we already did all the stops in the Bohol bucket list.
- According to our guide, this is the second oldest church in the country.
Unsubcultured has seen the light!
I am now Bohol cultured [just slightly]
STOP #10 = The Hinagdanan Cave
It's wet, dark and full of tourists. So what? You can scratch this off if you want to.
[At this point I was fantasizing about the Jack Daniels Ther and Niki brought along for the trip]
STOP #11 = The Bee Farm
...without Bees. It was just a place designed to make your wallet a bit thinner. I succumbed to the tourist trap pressure by buying more ice cream.
STOP #12
[T.Y. Loopy and DJ]
